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Thank you so much for your response.
I completely agree that even if it is a disease, your father is still 100% responsible for his actions. I believe that your anger is justified. I certainly understand as I grew up the son of an alcoholic. As a child and young adult (I’m now 32) I hated him in many ways and blamed him for the shitty hand I was dealt by being born into a dysfunctional famlly. However, that anger was useless and destructive. I couldn’t be happy with myself until I could truly let go of it all.
Should you ever have a desire to forgive him or reconcile with him, please know that there are ways you can go about it. One is alanon. I laughed at the idea but now that I’ve been through AA and spoken with people whose families have gone through the Alanon program, I can confidently say it really does help. People find so much comfort in knowing they are not alone and being able to better understand what alcoholism is and how to deal with all that it involves.
Secondly, I’d also recommend therapy. I went through several years of it. First, to deal with the anger about my life that I always blamed on my dad. Secondly, and this differs from you, it helped me come to grips with my own alcoholism and the guilt and shame that came along with accepting that fact.
At the end of the day, your happiness does not depend on your past or the relationship you have with your father. Yes, it royally sucks to have been brought up in the vortex of alcoholism, but it doesn’t have to define you if you don’t want it to. Being free of of the past was the only way I have been allowed to move on with my life and feel happy and free.
I wish you all the happiness and freedom life has to offer.